- I can’t believe he did that to me
- If only... my life would be better
- Why did I miss that opportunity
- I can’t believe they fired me
- After all I have done…
- She hurt me so badly
- I’ll never be able to forgive her
A grudge is something that you hold onto that is tied to an event in the past. In this article we will take a deeper look into what a grudge is, the harmful effects of holding a grudge, and how we can let go.
The Nature of Grudges
Grudges can develop from different types of situations. Here are the most common ones:
Anger - a person or situation triggered anger within you. You might feel you were treated unfairly.
Resentment - you feel bitter over a situation or how a person treated you.
Emotional attachment - an opportunity you feel was rightfully yours that you didn’t get offered, or a product you feel invested in that got a bad review.
Communication - you feel badly treated or hurtful things were said to you.
Missed opportunities - you didn’t take the chance when you could have.
When you have a grudge it can manifest itself both mentally and physically and be energetically draining. Resentment, anger, and fear are all connected. We become trapped in a cycle of being afraid of the future, angry in the present, and filled with resentment over our past. You can lie awake thinking of all the things that you didn’t do, the mistakes you made, and the opportunities you messed up. You act out scenes in your head which always begin with questions “what if?”. What if I had said this? What if I had done this? This can lead to the feeling of regret which is a universal emotion that is felt by us all. Regrets are never going to go away. However you can get better at managing the negative influence they are having on your life. An interesting fact about regret is that if an opportunity is denied or never presents itself to you then you are more likely to rationalize these feelings and move on. However, when you fail to take action when the opportunity presents itself to you then, you are more likely to have deeper feelings of regret. It is these regrets that are more likely to keep you awake at night. Over time holding onto a grudge can also lead to depression and anxiety.
Your physical wellbeing is not impacted by the pain you feel towards the person’s actions but rather your holding on to the grudge itself. You live in the problem rather than the solution. This makes you unhappy and angry, which creates stress over the situation. It is widely accepted that stress is bad for your health, both mental and physical. Research has found that people who hold grudges have higher blood pressure and are more likely to die from heart disease. It can also affect your immune system, metabolism, and organ function.
Grudges keep you replaying your hurt feelings and fueling the anger that wants the other person to feel pain. It blinds you to better ways. You may find yourself doing the very thing that hurt you to others if you don’t forgive and find healing. Holding a grudge can often lead to focusing on the negative, which can hold you back from living the life you want. It can also lead to developing unhealthy relationships full of guardedness and secrecy. You may refuse vulnerability or authenticity in your day to day life because you fear possible negative consequences.
Forgiveness Is Key
In order to let grudges go, we need to forgive. People may hurt us, but they don’t have to have power over us. When we forgive, we free ourselves. Forgiveness frees us from the pain and the grip of the past. Forgiveness is something we do for ourselves, not for the benefit of others. It is the healthier, stronger way to be. Release the need to prove yourself right all the time. Release the need to assert your needs over another’s. If you were wronged, it’s because you told yourself that you were, and then you make up a story about that.
Letting go creates growth and we can start the healing process. We stop seeing ourselves as victims and our hearts become open again to others. This doesn’t lessen the accountability you may give another person, it just ensures that you do not mishandle them or yourself, or anyone else for that matter.
Redemption is possible. You would want someone to give you the chance to be better. So, find it in your heart to let the grudge go. Holding a grudge won’t get you anywhere faster and will ultimately slow you down. Be patient, finding a way to manage the negative impact of regret in life is not achieved in a day, a week, or even a month.
Why Is Letting Go So Hard?
Letting go of a grudge can be hard because you feel that you have been wronged and you have an urge to prove yourself right. Letting go will also mean letting go of your expectations of how you wish things should be, your illusions. We identify so strongly with our expectations and illusions, that we feel that they are a part of us. Letting go of this will feel that we are losing aspects of ourselves. When you try to let go, it can feel that you are letting someone else be right, even though you know that they were the ones to be wrong. Unfortunately, it’s all in the past and there’s nothing you can do about it. The drama, the holding on, is in your own mind. Some of us are addicted to drama. We enjoy dwelling in our emotions. We certainly like positive emotions. But even negative emotions can get us attention, which also brings us pleasure. These emotions can also be part of our identity.
Quick Fix
Oftentimes we perceive our problems larger than what they actually are. This "Quick Fix" section is meant to nudge you in the right direction. However, if you feel that your issues are more than you can handle on your own, do not hesitate to reach out and I will be your cheerleader and we will go through this together.
Letting a grudge go can be a long, difficult process, but it’s one that will ultimately be worth it. Try engaging in some of the following techniques to move past the grudge and into forgiveness.
Don’t Play the Victim
Leave the victim mentality behind and allow yourself to feel the pain, knowing also that a grudge prolongs the healing process. Establish boundaries and visualize releasing the grudge to start to free yourself. We often blame others for our misfortunes. In such cases, we feel we’re the victim of others’ injustices. While this may indeed be the case, we cannot waste our lives waiting for other people to repair the harm they did to us. They may be unwilling, or even unable. It is up to us to take responsibility for our happiness. Don’t wait for others to fix you. Don’t wait for them to act before you start living your life.
Don’t Vilify the Other Person
Focus less on vilifying the person and more on their intent. Life is not always black and white. Your feelings were hurt, but that may not have been the person’s intention. If it was, remove them.
Try to communicate with the other person if possible to understand what happened on their end and why things went the way they did. You may need to step back and realize not everything everybody does is because of you. It could be a reflection of how they are doing or something they are struggling with in their own life. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt before making them into the villain.
Acknowledge the Situation
Sometimes people try to stay in denial when they face a tough situation. However, the longer you try to avoid the problem, the longer it will take to address it.
Acknowledge the situation exists, regardless of how you feel about it. Be prepared to face the situation head on so you can get through it. Even if you can’t change the situation, acknowledging it can help you accept it and move on.
Remove Emotions to See the Truth
Sometimes, you have to be the bigger person and remove your emotions from the situation and help them. Sometimes, you have to be the one to say “I’m sorry” first because you have the emotional capacity for self-reflection, even if they don’t. Give them the chance to also own up, and your relationship with them may be strengthened. Talk using “I” statements, for example “I feel this because this happened,” not “You did this to me.” This will help the other person become accountable without feeling attacked.
If It’s Time, Let the Relationship Go
It’s not about whether you believe people can change or not. It’s giving the opportunity for them to show you that they are more than the sum of their mistakes. So are you. Allowing for such humanity is both healing and humbling. Even if they were at fault, it doesn’t mean you need to only see them for their worst moments.
If someone did something really hurtful and with the intent to hurt, then it’s okay to let them go. If this particular connection is no longer serving you, feel free to leave it to the past and move on to finding better relationships. Once you let go of the grudge you had with the other, you’ll find you are open to more positive new connections.
See Forgiveness as a Strength
If there’s an opportunity to give someone the benefit of the doubt, take it, because you would want them to give you such a benefit. It doesn’t mean you’re weak to let the grudge go. It’s the opposite. It takes strength to start over, to forgive, to let kindness win. It takes strength to put the ego aside for empathy.
Identify What You Can Change
Identify what is within your control and resolve to make change. For example, if you got fired because your boss was unfair, don’t waste your time dwelling on your anger. Instead, take action and begin applying for new jobs as soon as possible.
If you can’t change the situation, you may be able to change your outlook. For example, if you had done a tour with an artist and everything went well you probably would expect to be called again for the next tour. However, when you realize you weren’t called you might develop a grudge against the decision makers and also your replacement. This is a situation you probably can not change. However, you can change how you choose to view the situation. Perhaps this has nothing to do with you entirely. We have a tendency to take so many things personally when there is no reason to do so. Maybe the musical director knows this person is going through a hard time and wants to help. Or the band and “your replacement” go way back etc.
Is there something you can learn from this? Do you drink too much when you are on tour? Do you find yourself in conflict with other band members? Is your playing style not what the band was looking for? Or perhaps is not going on that tour a blessing in disguise? Maybe the timing wasn’t right. Or you were offered something else that you would have had to say no to if you were on tour. There is almost always an explanation for every situation. Try to see what you can learn and how you can grow as a person by changing your mindset.
Remember to be patient. It is unlikely you can suddenly change your outlook overnight, but you can change it over time. It is a process that takes hard work. Simply recognizing that you can use an attitude adjustment can go a long way to creating change.
Identify What You Can’t Change
Don’t waste time and energy trying to change things you can’t change. You can’t change anyone else and you can’t change your past. Spending too much time thinking about and wishing things were different won’t do any good. Don’t waste your time trying to will it to be different.
Focus on What You Can Gain
Usually something good can come out of even the worst situations. When you’re having trouble letting go of something, ask yourself, “what can I learn from this experience?” The answer may not be revealed to you immediately. But when it is, you’ll be able to let go, and move on with your life. Focus on what you might gain for having survived a tough situation. Perhaps, you’ll come out of it a stronger person or maybe you’ll have learned a valuable life lesson. Whatever it is, try to view the situation as a learning experience that will help you in some way later in life. Turn your regrets into lessons of learning. Put your regrets into context, acknowledge them, and then use them to motivate you to take more positive action.
Develop a Plan
Brainstorm potential ways to deal with the situation. You’re likely to have more options than you might think. Spend time thinking about how you can respond to a tough situation. Even if you can’t fix it, you can develop a plan to cope with it. For example, determine who you can call on for support and how you can keep going even when you don’t feel like it.
Just because you acknowledge a situation is unfair, doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. Dealing with sadness, anger, frustration, and disappointment is tough business. Develop a plan to cope with all those difficult feelings. Resign to take care of yourself by eating healthy, getting exercise, and getting adequate amounts of rest. Find strategies to deal with complex feelings, such as spending time with loved ones, journaling, or participating in fun activities.
Seek Help When Necessary
Asking for help can be a sign of strength and courage. Don’t be afraid to look for help in a variety of ways to help you cope with a tough situation in life. Don’t expect others to know what you need. Tell people what they can do to be helpful and you’ll get your needs met much faster.
Meditate
Meditation can help us calm our emotions, gain clarity, and give us the inner strength to let go. It can help us stay calm and positive when things in our life get out of control.
When we meditate, we give our mind a break from all the sensory stimulation in our lives. Too much sensory stimulation leads to an agitated mind, which leads to overwhelming emotions. So, by calming our thoughts through meditation, we reduce the thoughts that trigger our painful emotions.
When we calm our mind, everything naturally becomes clearer. The fewer unnecessary thoughts we have in our mind, the easier it is to process more purposeful thoughts. It’s like being stuck in a traffic jam vs. being on a road free of traffic. When our mind is calm, it is much easier to gain clarity on issues of importance to us.
As we calm our emotions and gain clarity, we develop great inner strength. This enables us to gain wisdom, self-esteem, and self-confidence. And this inner strength helps us let go of unhealthy things in our lives.
So, give meditation a try. You don’t have to do it perfectly, or for long periods of time. All you have to do is sit quietly for a few minutes following your breathing. This gives your mind a rest, and allows your thoughts to settle down naturally.
Need More Than a Quick Fix?
Acceptance
Emotions are there to provide you with information about what is going on internally for you – that’s it.
Accepting that it is okay to be angry is an important step toward letting your anger go. The more aware you are of the physical signals that your body sends you when you find yourself getting angry the more control you have to decide how to constructively deal with your feelings of anger.
In psychology, resentment is when a person has ongoing upset feelings towards another person or place because of a real or imagined injustice. Resentments are negative feelings that you may have been carrying around for years. During this time, they may have done significant damage to your ability to interact with the world. These are often big, deep-seated issues.
Resentments can be difficult to get rid of. Unfortunately friends and family often come with advice such as “let it go”, “ignore them”, “forget about it”, etc. Resentments can only get resolved if they are faced, felt. and dealt with. Remember that it can take time and sometimes it can get worse before it gets better. Just remember that it is a process and keep an open mind.
Regret, on the other hand, will quickly disappear once we realize that the situation is done and finished. There is no going back, and we can’t change what has happened. The secret to dealing with our regret starts at the moment we decide what we are going to do next. It is our attachment to the past that breeds these feelings of regret, and once we let go of the past, we take more control over our future. When you are being kept awake at night by your regrets, you are living your life in the past, and you have no control over the past. The more you look toward the future, the more control you have over your life.
Give yourself a break and accept what you are feeling, and that it is okay. Once you have accepted that it is okay for you to have these, then you can step out.
Perspective
This step requires you to detach yourself from your feelings, step back, and observe what these thoughts and emotions are all about. Detach yourself from the monologue in your head, and see the emotions for what they really are. They are there for a reason. Stepping out is all about you working out what these emotions are trying to tell you.
Growth
If we hold on to something, we can’t move forward. If you keep holding on to things around you, then you will remain stuck in the past because things are always changing.
In our work, I will help you identify the feelings you are experiencing. Together we will look at the reasons and events that have caused them. We will make a sustainable and effective plan on how to move forward and detach from resentment and regret. You will start feeling lighter and more optimistic. Remember, holding grudges shortens our lives, hurts our mental health and ruins our relationships. Let a grudge go and begin a happier life.