- I’m not good enough
- I’ll never make it
- He/She always gets the call before me
- I didn’t get enough likes
- I wasn’t called for the gig
- I got fired
- I didn’t get booked, again
- I can’t improvise
- I don’t have a real job
- I can’t play like that
- He/She plays better than me
- Why can’t I win an audition?
- I didn’t get hired
- I am getting old
- I am too old
- I am fat
- I am ugly
Have you ever been making great progress only to get stuck and find your confidence disappears? Or perhaps you’ve achieved a big success that’s been quickly followed by a crash of confidence? Or maybe your confidence just evaporates away slowly over time?
Regardless of how robust we might appear on the outside, we are all vulnerable and especially so when we’re ambitious and striving to achieve big goals. Our confidence level can easily be lowered by a passing comment or when we’re working hard on something and are faced with negativity. Confidence can also disappear for no apparent reason.
Self-esteem vs. self-confidence
Self-esteem is defined as “confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect”. Put simply, self-esteem is the overall sense or feeling you have about your own self-worth or self-value. Self-confidence, on the other hand, is more about how you feel about your abilities and will vary from situation to situation. You can have great self-esteem (feeling good about yourself overall) but low self-confidence about a particular situation or event (for example taking a solo). Vice versa you can have great self-confidence in an area (for example studio recording) but low self-esteem overall.
A strong and solid sense of self-esteem comes from deep within, from a belief in your importance, your value and your worthiness. Low self-esteem can lead to significant physical and mental health issues including anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and addiction. A deep feeling of self-esteem is something that needs to grow and be nurtured over time. In this article I will show you what you can do right now to improve your self esteem.
Where low self-esteem comes from
Low self-esteem can emerge from many areas. It is largely influenced by our relationships and by how other people see and treat us. The influence of our parents has the most significant impact on our self-esteem. Those who grew up with critical, abusive or neglectful parents are more likely to face challenges with their own self-worth while those who experienced acceptance, approval and affection are more likely to have a higher sense of self-value.
Other common causes of lowered self-esteem:
Traumatic experiences, anything that has brought up feelings of shame, guilt or lack of worth.
Experiences of failure, such as not achieving goals and expectations, or a lack of success and accomplishments.
Negative self-talk, such as a story that you have created yourself or that someone else created for you long ago that you continue to believe.
Quick Fix
Oftentimes we perceive our problems larger than what they actually are. This "Quick Fix" section is meant to nudge you in the right direction. However, if you feel that your issues are more than you can handle on your own, do not hesitate to reach out and I will be your cheerleader and we will go through this together.
To gain your confidence and increase your self-esteem, you have to put positive daily habits in place. The difference between confident and unconfident people is that confident people are more accomplished at managing their feelings of self-doubt and silencing the negative self-talk.
We are being bombarded with messages of not being enough and how we could be better. It is important for you to remember this: you are deserving of love, happiness and success. You are worthy. If you feel inadequate, unlovable or unworthy, know that you are enough. You are just feeling that it is hard to believe right now, and that’s OK.
Change Your mental State
Changing your mental state is one of the quickest way to access a feeling of confidence. To do this, you need to know what the state of confidence looks, feels and sounds like for you. Here are a few strategies that can get you there:
- Remember: think of a specific time, associated with feeling confident. Sink into that feeling deeply and moment by moment relive every detail.
- Imagine: imagine how you would feel if you were confident. How would you act? Feel? Be?
- Modelling: think about someone you know who exudes confidence. Imagine what that person would do.
Identify who YOU are and be true to you
Self-awareness and a little soul searching are critical to your happiness in life and your self-esteem. In some cases, lack of self-esteem stems from a lack of knowing who you truly are, and the value you bring. One of the surest ways to lose confidence is to try to be someone else. When you’re trying to be someone you’re not, every part of you resists it. You are not everyone else. You are you. The more you can understand who you are and what you value, the stronger you will be. Many of us have spent so much time trying to fit in and please other people that we’ve completely lost our sense of self. Think about what makes you uniquely you and spend time getting to know yourself. Take time to identify who you are. Think about what you value and what’s important to you.
Some things to think about include:
- identifying your strengths and talents
- acknowledging your value and worth
- understanding your values and what’s important to you
- uncovering your passions
- thinking about how you want to serve or contribute to the world
Accept yourself
Make the decision to accept the imperfectly perfect you. Know that regardless of what you have been told, what has occurred, what wrong you have done or what challenges you have faced, you are enough. You are doing the best you can with what you have. We all want to be accepted for who we are but first, we must accept ourselves.
Stop compromising yourself
When you let others push you around, put everyone else’s needs before your own, or cave in to what everyone else wants because you don’t want to rock the boat, it lowers your self-esteem. You are putting their needs ahead of yours and your mind thinks to itself, “I guess I’m not that important”. You’ve also got to take care of you. We compromise ourselves to fit in, to be loved and to be acknowledged but if you are constantly compromising yourself, you will never truly feel satisfied.
Decide what is important to you. Naming these things will give you an inner compass to guide you. Then, identify your boundaries and the non-negotiables in your life. What are you not willing to put up with anymore? Get clear on these things now, so when the time comes to push back, stand up or politely say no, you have the back-up and inner guidance to do so.
Look for the good
People tend to (often unconsciously) look for things that reinforce what they already believe to be true. The same goes for how you see yourself. If you believe you are worthless or unlovable, you will find data to back that belief up. However, if you believe you are worthwhile and beautiful or courageous and strong, you will soon find data to back that up instead.
The challenge with those who suffer from low self-esteem is that they have gotten into a habit of finding what’s wrong. Often, there is a negative message lodged in their subconscious mind. In some cases, they’ve just gotten really good at seeing all their faults and shortcomings.
The easiest way to change what you see is to change what you’re looking for. Catch yourself doing something right.
Stop negative self-talk
Much of your belief systems come from the negative story you are telling yourself. Your mind believes what you tell it and if the story you are playing over and over again in your mind is one of self-doubt, that’s what you will continue to reinforce and strengthen in your belief systems. Tell yourself you are worthless and incapable, your mind will believe that. Tell yourself you are able and awesome, your mind will believe that, too.
Stop Comparing Yourself
Nothing kills your confidence more than comparing yourself to others. Especially now with social media and the continuous opportunity to judge yourself against so many others. Lack of confidence comes from a gap in where you see yourself and where you think you should be. Stop comparing yourself to others. Just stop. If you still feel a compelling need to compare, compare yourself to yourself. Measure how far you’ve come, see how much improvement you’ve made, and acknowledge your own wins and successes.
Keep Track of Your Achievements
Get yourself a physical notebook or create an online file and write down your achievements, especially the small ones because they add up.
Keep the good feedback you receive from other people; a thank you from a friend, a project well done, a “good job” email from a producer, or the time your colleagues went the extra mile for you. Writing them down helps you to acknowledge them, which makes you feel good.
In addition, seeing your achievements on paper helps you realize how far you’ve come, the positive impact you have on others every day, and how much you’ve achieved overall.
Accept Compliments
If someone pays you a compliment such as “great job”’, “you look great” or “well done”, do you say thank you and feel good or do you shy away and give someone else credit? Perhaps even pointing out what didn’t go well? If you shy away from compliments, then stop. Own it and feel good about it. Next time someone pays you a compliment, smile, say thank you and own the good feeling that goes with that acceptance.
Look After Yourself
Looking after yourself helps you gain confidence and is fundamental to your increased wellbeing. Make sure you get enough sleep, do regular exercise and eat healthy. If you feel good, you gain confidence, which inspires you to look after yourself and you create a positive cycle.
Be Kind and Generous
Being kind and generous to others makes us feel good, and feeling good helps us gain confidence. Focus on being grateful for what you have and what has gone well, and make a deliberate effort to be kind and generous to others at every opportunity.
See yourself how others see you
Think about the person who loves you the most in this world, unconditionally. Now, take a moment, zoom out, and imagine you are standing in their shoes and watching through their eyes. Look from their perspective and see yourself as they see you. What do you notice about you? What would they say to you? What do they love about you? What do they see in you?
What Are You Not Confident in?
In order to tame the demon, you’ve got to name the demon. Where do you lack confidence? When do you feel self-doubt and your negative emotions creeping in? Where do you feel your skills or abilities are limiting you? Where would you like to have more confidence? Once you get specific, it won’t feel so overwhelming as you’ll have something tangible to tackle.
What are you confident in?
Think about a couple times in your life when you felt most confident. Now, think about what it was about those times that made you feel so empowered. Was it the environment you were in? Something you were doing? A feeling you had? The clearer and more specific you get, the easier it will be to tap into when you need it.
Call out Your Imposter Syndrome (LÄNK)
Many people have feelings of being inadequate and fear of getting found out at one time or another. When that negative voice is telling you that you’re not good enough and anything good that happens to you is pure luck, call it out. Acknowledge that it’s happening and disconnect that false, annoying voice from the real you and tell it to shut up.
Your task is to find your own way to change the negative story that your inner critic is telling you. Look for evidence to prove what your inner critic is saying is wrong. If you think that you’re a failure, ask yourself, “What evidence is there to support the thought that I’m a failure?” and “What evidence is there that doesn’t support the thought that I’m a failure?”.
Be Prepared
The more you practice, the more successful you get. Gaining confidence is born out of practice. Be prepared, do your homework, and do your research.
Often, lack of confidence connects to a lack of or perceived lack of knowledge, so stop focusing on what you don’t know. Concentrate on the things you do know and the value you bring if you want to gain confidence.
Visualize Your Success
Skip forward to when you have achieved success. Play it out in your mind. The applause and how you feel after a good gig, the phone call after being offered a tour.
Do your best
When you do your best and place your full effort into each and every day, you start to feel better about yourself. Your best might change from day to day and some days your best won’t be as good as it was the day before. That’s OK. It’s important to remind yourself that you are doing the best you can with what you have, right now, at that moment, on this day, in this situation, with this time frame, your level of skill or knowledge etc. When you know you’ve done your best, you have no regrets and nothing to feel bad or guilty about. If someone criticizes you it’s easier to brush it off when you know you did the best you could.
Take chances
People don’t regret failing, they regret not trying. The more you try, the more you put yourself out there the stronger you and your self-worth will become. Each time you overcome a small challenge or bounce back from a set-back, you grow and increase resilience.
Acquire New Skills
Since confidence is often directly linked to abilities, one of the best ways to build your confidence is to get new skills or experience, and step out of your comfort zone. As you work on building your skills and expertise, don’t mistake a lack of perfection for a lack of ability. No one is perfect but if you’ve got a perfectionist mindset, it can make you think that just because you’re not the best at something, you’re not good at all. Make sure to check yourself. Am I really not good at this, or am I not as good as I want to be just yet? Ask yourself if there is a specific area where you are lacking confidence. How can you expand your expertise in this area?
Engage in activities that satisfy you
Find things that give you a deep sense of satisfaction, a feeling of fullness and purpose. Too often we engage in activities or relationships that leave us feeling self-conscious, empty or terrible about ourselves. It’s time to put more focus, time and effort into doing those things that feel good for your body, mind and spirit and to engage in things that make you feel whole and full.
Identify what satisfies you mentally (for example solving a big problem or creating something new), emotionally (hanging out with friends or volunteering), physically (exercising, eating right or taking care of your body) and spiritually (meditation or going to your place of worship).
When you engage in something that makes you feel good and even more importantly, makes you feel worthwhile, you will experience greater self-esteem.
Find supportive people
Since so much of our self-esteem is influenced by our relationships and how others see and treat us, it’s even more critical that you surround yourself with healthy, uplifting, encouraging and supporting people. However, these relationships need to be sincere and true. Find people who know the real you, people who can speak to the value you bring, your talents and worth, people who can be real with you, sharing the positive and be constructive in an uplifting way.
Need more than a quick fix?
Self-esteem issues are essentially found in the gap between who you presently are and who you think you should be. Paradoxically, most causes of low self-esteem stem from how others see or treat you, yet the solution to increasing your self-esteem is something that needs to come from the inside out, not from the outside in. Building your self-esteem is not an easy task but it is a worthwhile investment.
We will work together to find the root cause or causes for your low self-esteem. We will uncover what limiting beliefs you are living with and what steps we can take to expand your mindset. We will look at your current life situation, analyze your support system, and look for improvements. Further we will set goals, find areas where you can acquire new skills and balance your view of yourself.
Your mind believes what you tell it. If you continue to tell yourself the story that you are not confident, you will believe it and your self-doubt will continue. If you tell yourself you can do it, that you got this, your mind will believe that too.
I will support you all the way, cheering you along, taking steps that allow you to become who you are truly capable of being, identify what gives you meaning and helping to getting you from where you are to where you want to be.